Everything depends on the choices we make.
For the past week, my grandpa’s health has worsened. I can see that he is in pain despite how strong he is. He is one of my greatest inspiration – traveling around the world due to his duty visits and knowing the entire Hong Kong. Every night while I am in my room, I hear my mom telling my dad about my grandpa’s condition and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him now. I still have so much to accomplish and want him to be present to see my accomplishments, particularly when I become a licensed architect and complete my first designed project. I want him to meet my boyfriend and to attend my wedding. He was also by my side when I was younger and I want to be by his side.
Regardless of how much I want to move back to LA, I know that with my grandpa’s current condition, it is best if I stay by my family’s side when they need me the most. I know that my heart really wants to be with a particular person on the other side of the Pacific Ocean but it was really meant to be, he’ll wait for me. I will return to LA one day but with everything going on, this year may not be the year for my comeback.
9 years ago, I lost my grandma to cancer. She suffering from lots of pain while in Hong Kong. Because I was still in high school, I could not leave. I remember that my mom went back to Hong Kong to be with my grandparents, but when my grandma decided to give up, I fell into pieces because I wasn’t there to say goodbye to her. I wasn’t there to talk to her about our stories and use our imagination for one last time. The result was one of the reasons why I chose to move to Hong Kong after college graduation. I wanted to spend time with my grandpa as he gets older. I want the chance to say goodbye to him. I want the times spent with him.
I’ve been focused on my career so my goal is to become a registered architect and have my grandpa present when I am inducted as a licensed architect in Hong Kong. I want him to be there when I close one chapter of my life. Maybe he won’t be able to see me get married but at least he’ll be able to see me achieve something that I have been striving for during the past 10 years.
These times are when I wish I kinda had someone to lean on or catch me when I fall. Although on the outside I look like a strong independent young woman who can manage to do things myself, I still will end up crawling into a corner on my bed and cry. Even for a week or a few days, I wish someone can just fly to Hong Kong just to see how I’m doing in person because deep down in my heart, I’m actually quite fragile.
Hiraeth 