I overdosed.
Should’ve known your love was a game.
Now I can’t get you out of my brain.
Oh, it’s such a shame.
April 28. The night when the fire started and when the game began.
While you are off working on your successful projects and preparing your return to school (which I am really proud of), I’ve been trying to type out all the words I would say if and when I will ever see you in person. But the truth, I really hope I don’t see you in person again because our story had ended and knowing the way we look at each other, the story would continue to write itself once our eyes meet again.
Every night, I am haunted by flashbacks of the nights we spent together. In the beginning, I was always warned about you and how we’re complete opposites, but somehow, they also believed that we would be compatible. I told myself not to fall for you but just take the chance to have fun. I continuously reminded myself that you just came into my life to teach me or to bring me something new to my world at that right time. After every time we hung out, the fire grew bigger and I even felt myself inevitably falling for you. Unlike with previous guys, I couldn’t control my boundaries because my brain wanted to take the risk and just let go, go with the flow.
When you decided to join me and my friends after my friends and I had dinner, that’s when I realized we were more than just a casual fling. You were meeting not just any typical friends but my best friends. That night, I received another warning about you and it was from my best friend who has known me for 22 years (and counting). When I told you what she said, you got mad because you actually cared about what the people closest to me felt about you. I told you not to worry because it didn’t matter what they thought of you; what mattered was that I liked you.
We didn’t talk for a few weeks until you decided to join me on a night when I went out with a friend and her husband. Seeing you get along really well with them made me smile. Surprisingly, it felt normal – like two couples going on a double date for a fun night out. That’s when I felt myself falling head over heels for you and I knew I couldn’t so I started reeling myself back in. We had talked about “casual dating” being temporary so I couldn’t fall for you anyway. But that night, you accidentally referred to me as your “girlfriend”. I knew you didn’t mean it because you were a bit tipsy so I denied being that. However, honestly, hearing you refer to me as your girlfriend felt right.
But that doesn’t matter anyway. That was the last night we had anything to do with each other. The next time we saw each other was at my graduation when you came to support your friends. You had walked out of my life without saying goodbye, without saying that you couldn’t continue with this ‘casual dating relationship’ (or whatever we had) anymore. Instead, you disappeared; you ghosted me. I finally experienced for the first time what it felt like to be ghosted by a guy.
For two months, I kept wondering what was wrong with me or what went wrong between us. For some apparent reason, I was crying whenever I was alone, but I knew I had to stay strong. I had to prove to everyone that I was over you and that I was moving on. How could I? Even without saying a word, you could read me like an open book. Every time our eyes met, you knew what I was thinking. You knew my secrets, my strengths, and my weaknesses. You had taken the most precious thing from me so I couldn’t let you win this game. I had to prove to you that I’m stronger than you think I am.
But no matter what my family and friends told me, I believe that you were the right guy at the right time. You helped me step out of my comfort zone, my boundaries, and I cannot return to that zone anymore. You ghosting me didn’t allow us to have closure and I kept feeling that I needed answers or at least a reason for what happened to us. It took some time to realize that I already have my closure. When I saw you at my graduation, my heart was already shattered into pieces, but I still remained calm and said hi to you like we were still friends. I tried to hold in my tears and put a fake smile on my face because, in my mind, I wanted to show you what you were losing, what you were missing. I saw you talking to my friend and her husband so I waited until you left to go talk to her. Looking back at photos, I saw that you turned your head in the direction where my friend and I were taking a photo together. Your expression said it all.
LA is our common home. Now, wherever I go in LA, I constantly feel like I am in a music video for Ed Sheeran, Charlie Puth, or Tori Kelly. Just have someone connect a projector to my brain and I would be sitting on the ground, watching the movie of our memories project onto the screen. After the movie ends, I put away the movie (or I could delete it) and this chapter of my life with you in it ends, turning the page to a fresh chapter.
Maybe you were afraid of commitment or getting back into a relationship. Maybe you just weren’t feeling the spark anymore. Or maybe you found someone else. But either way, you didn’t have the courage to say to me about what was in your mind. You didn’t have the courage to tell me the truth about ending what we had. But I know even though you walked out without saying a word, without any closure, and I ended up being the one getting hurt, I still became the bigger person. I came out of this relationship as a newly improved person because of you. You will always be a part of me, so I did not lose you. However, you did lose me, but the world works in mysterious ways. Maybe one day, our separate directions lead us back to each other’s directions.
It’s your loss, dude.
Hiraeth 