Anxiety (n.) a strong desire sometimes mixed with doubt, fear, or uneasiness
9 years. It was 9 years ago that I met him in Hong Kong on Halloween at 3am in Lan Kwai Fong. It’s been 7 years since I said no to being with him. I was 27 years old. I should’ve known better, but I let my anxiety take control and I let him go. Whenever someone asks me about my love life and if I have any stories, he’s the story I want to tell. He was perfect for me because he fit everything from what I wanted to what my family wanted. He was everything that I was looking for. Fate had brought him to me but anxiety was so nervous of the possibility of him breaking my heart. Instead, I broke his heart and eventually it broke mine. He is truly the one who got away.
Flash forward 2 years later and I meet someone else who I had a strong connection with since the very beginning. For the first time in forever, I let down my guard and got my first boyfriend. But as time gone by, I keep moving forward in my life and it seems like he’s still somewhere back there, trying to find his way. This guy knows that I deserve better and that there is someone else out there who is better for me than he is. If that’s the case, then I actually have to let fate decide if that’s true.
Five years later, my motto in life is “if it’s meant to happen, just let it happen”. I’m letting fate decide and I will not question fate. Through a colleague who is basically my work brother, I met a guy who I kinda connected with but he seems like the type of guy who would not be interested in a girl like me. However, is that thought from anxiety and not fate?
Anxiety needs to let go and let fate make the decisions. I need to just be myself again and maybe he would be interested but I wouldn’t know if I’m not myself because he won’t be able to get to know the real me. Or maybe he won’t even like the real me and if that’s the case, then it’s just not meant to be.
Every time I’m in Hong Kong, I always wonder who I really am. I’m an introvert when I don’t know the people who are around me but I’m an extrovert when I get comfortable with them. Whenever I go out in Hong Kong, I turn into an extrovert. I had many firsts when I was in HK and even met my “the one that got away”. That’s why I go all out in HK — because I just want to forget the past.
But then when I go all out, I make new mistakes. I went a bit overboard and embarrassed myself in front of my colleagues and colleague’s best friend. But my colleague’s best friend took care of me and made sure I got home safely. I thought I was fine until the end because something did not sit well with my stomach. I think I definitely was okay that night because I remember everything that happened. Usually, if you were very drunk and blacked out, one would not remember what had happened the previous night. But I remember him holding my hand throughout the night to make sure I was comfortable and not lose me.
Looking back, the signs were there. During the first dinner we had together in Hong Kong, I ended up having to sit next to him. I thought I could avoid him so that I could avoid any feelings. Of course when I do that, I end up acting weird because of anxiety. He was also fidgeting during dinner and I don’t know if it was because of jetlag (since he had just landed that day) or if he was just nervous to sit next to me.
Then every time we’re standing up and waiting for the car, he would stand next to me. Toward the last few days together, we got very close. His body language allowed me to lean against him when needed. We would walk side by side and our hands would brush against each other. Every time our hands intertwined, I felt something. Every time he held my hand, I felt protected.
Now I have to go home and pretend like nothing happened. But our conversations flow naturally like how friendships develop without any force. Maybe I just need to calm myself and let him do the chase. No, I’m past the age of making the guys chase. I’m at the point where I just let whatever happens, as long as I’m being myself. They can leave if they don’t want to deal with me.
Hiraeth 