The Gray Zone

“Be strong, be independent, but most importantly, be yourself, no matter what other people think.” – Mulan.

Ever since I chose Mandarin as my foreign language in high school, I became increasingly confused in which part of the world I belong in. During high school, my social circle were all fellow American-born Asians who grew up with Asian family and culture. When they wanted to have secret conversations, they would speak in Chinese. Majority of them also were fans of Asian bands and Asian dramas. I, on the other hand, was not as Asian, but I did watch some Asian dramas due to the family watching Hong Kong television and Taiwanese dramas. Originally, I thought I was quite Americanized because I was constantly criticized by my family and relatives that I must know my Asian culture and language because I am an Asian first based on the initial image. Then, when I entered college, I shifted into the neutral zone, not knowing where I belonged.

Every summer and winter break, I would travel to Hong Kong to visit my family so my Cantonese-speaking and Chinese-reading improved after each visit. Even though I wanted to join the cultural clubs during college, I felt that I did not belong in any of the cultural clubs. My best friend and I didn’t feel like we could fit in with the people who were part of the clubs.

Over the summer, it was great to see Asian Americans as a focus on the main movie screen or streaming platforms. Although Asian Americans have already been dominating Youtube, they’ve been underappreciated and overlooked in the entertainment industry. Asian Americans have had difficulty growing and moving up in the arts community because they’ve been stereotyped to enter professional fields like medicine, law, and engineering. Even though I am in architecture which is a professional field, it is still part of the design creative industry and is known to have low salaries out of all the professional careers. However, current Millenial and Gen-Z generations are motivated to pursue their dreams regardless if older generations discourage them because the more people say ‘no’ to them, the more they want to prove that they can do it.

Both ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’ paved the way to show Asian Americans can succeed on the main screen as leads. Normally in movies or shows, we play the sidekick, the nerd, and most commonly, the background. You may not even see even one Asian in the frame. The cast of the CRA has inspired other Asian Americans to do what they love because if you do what you love, you will enjoy the process more and the end result becomes more worth it.

So as one Asian American currently working in one of the biggest entertainment corporate companies and trying to make her way to the top, go for your dreams! Don’t let anyone discourage you from going after your dreams.

With or Without You

This may be the night that my dreams might let me know
All the stars are closer.

If there’s one advice I would give to young kids who are ambitious about their goals and dreams, it will be “Hold on tight to your dreams. Don’t let anyone or anything discourage you from going after your dreams. It’s your life and you are the one who is going to make it happen.”

You’re probably wondering how I came to this conclusion. Well, a little more than a year ago, when I was applying for jobs during the final project weeks and before graduating from graduate school, my now ex-boyfriend questioned my lifetime goal to work for Disney. At that time, I compromised with him and replied: “Okay, what about Gensler?” (Gensler is one of the biggest corporate Architecture firms in the world with many successful projects in various fields.) He actually preferred me to go for Gensler and discouraged me from going for Disney. But of course, I’m not the type of girl who would give up her dreams because a guy told her to go another way.

I still chased after my Disney dream. Even though it was not easy, I did everything I could to get my foot into the door. Because I had already interned at Walt Disney Company back in Summer 2011, I wasn’t eligible to be an Architecture & Facilities intern, so I agreed to be a contracted Non-WDI employee and kept waiting until the Company was eligible to hire people again. They were on a 2-year hiring freeze due to the layoffs so they depended on outsourcing much of the work during these past few years. Becoming a contracted employee through a small architecture office that partnered with WDI gave me the opportunity to meet one of my NCARB ARE mentors. He worked at Gensler and WDI and was heavily involved with AIA SoCal chapters. After months of patience and waiting to be a WDI employee, I was officially offered a position as an Associate Facility Designer for WDI California in May 2018. Even though the word “associate” is a downgrade, I believe my role in projects is very crucial and I don’t let the word bother my working capability. I am grateful to be accepted by everyone – my architectural design studio, my project team, and those from other various disciplines.

Even though it has only been a month since I’ve become an official Walt Disney Imagineer (I still can’t believe I get to call myself an ‘Imagineer’), I’ve never been happier. Yes, I put in many hours for work and am constantly thinking about work, but I know my own schedule and priorities. Because I am now single and living alone, I devote my Mondays-Thursdays for work and studies so that I can decide to have some fun on the weekends. I also believe that whatever I am doing at work complements/helps me study for my ARE exams. In other words, I am the one who understands how I enjoy life and that multiple systems in my life must move simultaneously in order for my life to continue.

“It’s a gamble. All of it. But I’m putting my money down on my career and believing that love will fall in place.“ – Sutton from The Bold Type (cheers to the show’s producers & Freeform for understanding how twenty-something year olds are getting through)

Because I got through the Disney door, everyone now has expectations of me. I must fulfill their expectations or go higher and prove that I am made to stay as a WDI architectural designer. I am not afraid, not weak, and definitely not a damsel in distress. I am a princess-in-waiting, waiting to be the next queen without you.

#dreambigprincess 

To the boy who came out of thin air.

Just be careful.
Promise me no promises.

Let’s flashback to Halloween 2015. 2015 was the year I had my HKIA exams which meant I spent most of my months studying up until the exams in November. I told myself I wasn’t going to go out for Halloween and focus on my exams, but eventually, one of my best friends persuaded me to go out and join her and some of Law school friends for a fun Halloween night.

We ended up leaving around 2am and by that time, I was already quite tipsy and tired. All I wanted to do was go home. We went to Lan Kwai Fong in Hong Kong which has a steep hill. Since all I wanted to do was get home as quickly as possible, we were directed by the police to follow a certain exit route even though we were almost at the bottom of the hill. Thus, we had to walk all the way back up and by the time we got to the exit route, there was already a crowd of people wanting to exit too, so the police slowly led the people out. Being tipsy and tired, I was bored while we were walking at a very slow pace. To entertain myself out of boredom, I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. Something, or a tiny evil fairy, flew by and whispered “talk to the guy next to you” in my ear because that’s when everything began.

I was focusing on my HK architect license exams when you appeared. Back then, you were still a stranger to me. Now, we’ve known each other 2 years and surprisingly, we actually still keep in contact. We’re still getting to know each other, but after everything that has happened in my personal life since the last time we saw each other, I feel that it’s better if we became strangers again.

I wish you just stayed a stranger because the more we talk, the more my flirtatious side comes out and my heart slowly starts to break the wall that I have been rebuilding. Four months ago, I had to rebuild that wall. After what happened, I knew the wall had to be stronger and sturdier. But when we started talking again, the wall was only built halfway. This time, you caught me during a period of self-recovery.

From the first time we met, I felt that our lives were parallel to each other. We both grew up in similar surroundings and have similar interests, but even though we did meet by accident, two parallel lines do not intersect. We live in different times zones (three hours apart) and work with busy schedules as we both have career-focused minds. Ever since high school, I’ve said it multiple times to myself that I do not do long distance relationships because of the pain and the heartache kills me. Yes, on the outside, I may look like a strong independent girl who cares only about her work but on the inside, I’m fragile. That’s the main reason why I indulge myself into the work and luckily I have architecture as my work.

You’re relocating to Hong Kong soon for at least a year while I’m still working in Los Angeles. Yes, I most likely will relocate to Hong Kong by the end of next year but there are too many obstacles for us to endure in order to be next to each other. I feel that the earlier I try to erase you from my mind, the less painful it will be later. Who knows, maybe we’ll accidentally meet again when we’re both out drinking with friends in Hong Kong. Or we casually bump into each other during our work commute. But for now, let’s not waste our energy trying to overcome an obstacle that we both know we cannot overcome.

I’ll only fight the pain if it’s worth it but I follow my instincts and I do not think the time to fight is now. I will let fate determine when we meet in person again. So until then, obliviate.

To the boy who walked away without a word.

I overdosed.
Should’ve known your love was a game.
Now I can’t get you out of my brain.
Oh, it’s such a shame.

April 28. The night when the fire started and when the game began.

While you are off working on your successful projects and preparing your return to school (which I am really proud of), I’ve been trying to type out all the words I would say if and when I will ever see you in person. But the truth, I really hope I don’t see you in person again because our story had ended and knowing the way we look at each other, the story would continue to write itself once our eyes meet again.

Every night, I am haunted by flashbacks of the nights we spent together. In the beginning, I was always warned about you and how we’re complete opposites, but somehow, they also believed that we would be compatible. I told myself not to fall for you but just take the chance to have fun. I continuously reminded myself that you just came into my life to teach me or to bring me something new to my world at that right time. After every time we hung out, the fire grew bigger and I even felt myself inevitably falling for you. Unlike with previous guys, I couldn’t control my boundaries because my brain wanted to take the risk and just let go, go with the flow.

When you decided to join me and my friends after my friends and I had dinner, that’s when I realized we were more than just a casual fling. You were meeting not just any typical friends but my best friends. That night, I received another warning about you and it was from my best friend who has known me for 22 years (and counting). When I told you what she said, you got mad because you actually cared about what the people closest to me felt about you. I told you not to worry because it didn’t matter what they thought of you; what mattered was that I liked you.

We didn’t talk for a few weeks until you decided to join me on a night when I went out with a friend and her husband. Seeing you get along really well with them made me smile. Surprisingly, it felt normal – like two couples going on a double date for a fun night out. That’s when I felt myself falling head over heels for you and I knew I couldn’t so I started reeling myself back in. We had talked about “casual dating” being temporary so I couldn’t fall for you anyway. But that night, you accidentally referred to me as your “girlfriend”. I knew you didn’t mean it because you were a bit tipsy so I denied being that. However, honestly, hearing you refer to me as your girlfriend felt right.

But that doesn’t matter anyway. That was the last night we had anything to do with each other. The next time we saw each other was at my graduation when you came to support your friends. You had walked out of my life without saying goodbye, without saying that you couldn’t continue with this ‘casual dating relationship’ (or whatever we had) anymore. Instead, you disappeared; you ghosted me. I finally experienced for the first time what it felt like to be ghosted by a guy.

For two months, I kept wondering what was wrong with me or what went wrong between us. For some apparent reason, I was crying whenever I was alone, but I knew I had to stay strong. I had to prove to everyone that I was over you and that I was moving on. How could I? Even without saying a word, you could read me like an open book. Every time our eyes met, you knew what I was thinking. You knew my secrets, my strengths, and my weaknesses. You had taken the most precious thing from me so I couldn’t let you win this game. I had to prove to you that I’m stronger than you think I am.

But no matter what my family and friends told me, I believe that you were the right guy at the right time. You helped me step out of my comfort zone, my boundaries, and I cannot return to that zone anymore. You ghosting me didn’t allow us to have closure and I kept feeling that I needed answers or at least a reason for what happened to us. It took some time to realize that I already have my closure. When I saw you at my graduation, my heart was already shattered into pieces, but I still remained calm and said hi to you like we were still friends. I tried to hold in my tears and put a fake smile on my face because, in my mind, I wanted to show you what you were losing, what you were missing. I saw you talking to my friend and her husband so I waited until you left to go talk to her. Looking back at photos, I saw that you turned your head in the direction where my friend and I were taking a photo together. Your expression said it all.

LA is our common home. Now, wherever I go in LA, I constantly feel like I am in a music video for Ed Sheeran, Charlie Puth, or Tori Kelly. Just have someone connect a projector to my brain and I would be sitting on the ground, watching the movie of our memories project onto the screen. After the movie ends, I put away the movie (or I could delete it) and this chapter of my life with you in it ends, turning the page to a fresh chapter.

Maybe you were afraid of commitment or getting back into a relationship. Maybe you just weren’t feeling the spark anymore. Or maybe you found someone else. But either way, you didn’t have the courage to say to me about what was in your mind. You didn’t have the courage to tell me the truth about ending what we had. But I know even though you walked out without saying a word, without any closure, and I ended up being the one getting hurt, I still became the bigger person. I came out of this relationship as a newly improved person because of you. You will always be a part of me, so I did not lose you. However, you did lose me, but the world works in mysterious ways. Maybe one day, our separate directions lead us back to each other’s directions.

It’s your loss, dude.

The Bold Type

You got the heart of a phoenix
So let them see you rise.

This summer, Freeform released a new show called “The Bold Type” about three twenty-something girls building new chapters of their lives, in the working industry, and in their personal endeavors. The show gears towards millennials because it basically relates to anyone in their twenties who are trying to “make it” in today’s working environments. For me, I graduated with my Master of Architecture II and I’m still unemployed. And by unemployed, I’m still looking for jobs and interviewing for positions even though I’ve gotten my foot into the doors.

When people ask me what I have been doing now since I’ve graduated. I don’t respond that I’m very close to getting a particular position. Instead, I answer with “been applying and looking for a job.” While I’m trying to settle in on my career path, the free time allows me to start studying for my license exams (reviewing over codes and project management), work on side projects such as a pitch for a new tv drama. I told myself I had all these dreams for the side projects and the free time finally lets me work on them. No, I may not finish them by the end of summer but I will accomplish them within the next year or two.

If you haven’t heard, Jenny Han’s “To All The Boys I’ve Loved” is becoming a movie. When I read the book a few years ago, I felt very relatable for to the main Asian-American character because of the letter-writing. One day, all the boys I’ve ever had a crush on or I’ve ever dated may discover my past entries – the ones that are dedicated to them. But I’m twenty-something, still discovering what I want, what I live for, and what I’m meant to do. Simultaneously, I’m living this chapter of my life with spontaneity. I just follow my intuition and the yellow brick road will build itself. After all, I am an architect…well, an architectural designer studying her way throughout the next few years to become a licensed architect.

I’m not afraid anymore.

This ain’t the right time for you to fall in love with me
Baby I’m just being honest
And I know my lies could not make you believe
We’re running in circles that’s why. 

Each time, I told myself I would not cry over a guy. For the first time, whatever happened between me and him somehow really hurt me and I’m left feeling empty. Before I met him, I was a happy bubbly girl, but now I feel my soul has turn into a dark dead forest. Anything happy turns into black.

I’ve been working on visualizations for my project and when my professor saw the most recent version, he asked if something bad was happening in my life and if I wanted to talk to him about it. I hesitated for a minute and answered “no, I’ll make it more colorful”. But when I put the colorful flowers back into the picture, the picture didn’t look right to me.

The thing is, that’s just me. The reason I enjoy doing visualizations is I’m an emotional person and working on visualizations help me express the emotions. On my social side, these past few months have been difficult for me because I was majorly stepping out of my boundaries and experiencing new (but fun) things. And then everything just went downhill but that’s when I realized that I didn’t need saving from him. I didn’t need anyone to save me anymore because I already changed for the better. I became an even more outgoing person and wasn’t afraid of taking chances / control of my own life. He disappeared on me and whatever the reason is, I have no regrets about him or hold no grudges against him. The better part is I hope he doesn’t regret leaving me. Maybe I will show him what he’s missing, but I really do not care what he wants anymore. My deadline to end everything with him was June 17, 2017 and he’s officially gone from my life. I will never ever have to see him again…unless my friends end up inviting both of us to the same party. But I will not interact with him. Here’s to a new me, a better me.

What I gave you is yours to keep.

I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you.
Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo.
By the way, right away, you do things to my body
I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you.

I met this boy only two weeks ago. It was only two days ago that we had gotten to know each other really well. In a way, it felt like we’ve known each other for awhile. And then, on Friday night (yesterday), we went on a Friday night adventure that somehow turned into something like a date.

From the moment I met him, something about him kept telling me “he’s perfect. he’s the perfect guy.” And then add on newer details about him when we get to know each other and he turns out to be more perfect. And no, I don’t mean perfect by perfect looks or the qualities on my checklist even though he does check off the “European” part. It’s the fact that he does everything that I want to do but am afraid of doing. He’s more on the adventurous, living-on-the-edge, wild crazy guy who is somewhat down-to-earth. He asked me why I gave up on some things and why I don’t return to it if I love it so much. He takes me out of my comfort zone which is what I really need in my current phase of life.

Just like a first kiss, a girl’s first time is always special because her virginity is her most prized possession (or at least that’s what girls are taught while growing up). That is what I always kept in the back of my mind. But last night, a little devil overpowered the angel and I gave myself to him. It was still quite magical and the entire process from the very beginning to morning sex was just like in the movies but messier, of course. How he looks at me, whispers in my ear, kisses my forehead and neck…those are his charming ways to get me into the other side.

Now you’re probably wondering “if everything is so magical, what is the problem?” The problem is that I don’t want my first time to be in the same category as my first kiss. My first kiss was a nightmare that still haunts me. I shouldn’t be immature about it but I don’t want to lose the guy from my first time…or at least the relationship with him. But did I just show him that I’m too easy? I shouldn’t have given it to him that easily. Looking back, I made a mistake but at the same time, I was just going with the flow and following my intuition. Also, we have a mutual friend so everything will be dramatic.

I was enchanted to meet you.
Please don’t be in love with someone else.

I just need to remember my life before he fully entered it.

The beginning of a new adventure.

“Where are you off to?”
“I’m going on an adventure.”
– Bilbo Baggins.

Time does fly by really quickly. A little more than three months ago, I received news that I was accepted into the UCLA M.Arch II Suprastudio. Out of spontaneity, I decided to accept the offer and study graduate school for one year in Los Angeles. I believe that the studio, particularly the research topic, is a topic I have always been interested in. I finally have the chance to put down all my ideas about the layers from vehicles, pedestrians, to buildings and lifestyle. To research my own home city is an honor and a wonderful starting point because I can use my experience and observation in Hong Kong and apply it to LA.

For the first time, I will be living in LA without my parents. I must budget myself and my time so that I live cost-efficiently and practically. This is real. It’s the real world now. I am no longer depending on my parents; instead, I must rely on myself and make my own decisions.

Living on spontaneity has made life much more interesting. I am no longer worrying about consequences or what other people think. There’s no harm in trying.

So this is a new chapter in my life. It’s been good 3 years, Hong Kong. But it’s time for me to depart for a year. I also don’t know where I will be after a year so we’ll all see what happens. Until then, let’s all take a deep breath and go.

What’s right or what’s best.

Everything depends on the choices we make. 

For the past week, my grandpa’s health has worsened. I can see that he is in pain despite how strong he is. He is one of my greatest inspiration – traveling around the world due to his duty visits and knowing the entire Hong Kong. Every night while I am in my room, I hear my mom telling my dad about my grandpa’s condition and it breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose him now. I still have so much to accomplish and want him to be present to see my accomplishments, particularly when I become a licensed architect and complete my first designed project. I want him to meet my boyfriend and to attend my wedding. He was also by my side when I was younger and I want to be by his side.

Regardless of how much I want to move back to LA, I know that with my grandpa’s current condition, it is best if I stay by my family’s side when they need me the most. I know that my heart really wants to be with a particular person on the other side of the Pacific Ocean but it was really meant to be, he’ll wait for me. I will return to LA one day but with everything going on, this year may not be the year for my comeback.

9 years ago, I lost my grandma to cancer. She suffering from lots of pain while in Hong Kong. Because I was still in high school, I could not leave. I remember that my mom went back to Hong Kong to be with my grandparents, but when my grandma decided to give up, I fell into pieces because I wasn’t there to say goodbye to her. I wasn’t there to talk to her about our stories and use our imagination for one last time. The result was one of the reasons why I chose to move to Hong Kong after college graduation. I wanted to spend time with my grandpa as he gets older. I want the chance to say goodbye to him. I want the times spent with him.

I’ve been focused on my career so my goal is to become a registered architect and have my grandpa present when I am inducted as a licensed architect in Hong Kong. I want him to be there when I close one chapter of my life. Maybe he won’t be able to see me get married but at least he’ll be able to see me achieve something that I have been striving for during the past 10 years.

These times are when I wish I kinda had someone to lean on or catch me when I fall. Although on the outside I look like a strong independent young woman who can manage to do things myself, I still will end up crawling into a corner on my bed and cry. Even for a week or a few days, I wish someone can just fly to Hong Kong just to see how I’m doing in person because deep down in my heart, I’m actually quite fragile.